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I should be getting ready for Blissdom!

Ok, I should be getting ready for Blissdom Canada 2012 but I just read a post on the Blissdom Facebook page that tore at my heart. Someone mentioned a friend who was terrified to come. Their nerves and insecurities getting the best of them and I wanted to reach though the screen and hug them!

So, seeing that I should be packing, I’m going to have to make this quick!

A lot of you already know that last year I blogged about my experience attending #140 Conference in Kitchener in September in “What People Think”. I let the cat out of the bag that I was TERRIFIED to walk into any situation alone and a conference setting just amplified this.

The response from that blog was overwhelming. EVERYBODY understood. EVERYBODY could relate to my fears. And EVERYBODY wanted to make sure that I didn’t feel that alone again!

A month later when I was getting ready to attended my first Blissdom conference, I blogged “Got the Shoes” and talked about how scared I was again. I went into the hotel lobby that weekend with the same fears & sick feeling in my gut but within minutes was greeted with smiling faces, welcoming voices and comforting hugs.

For those those who are feeling similar jitters or who are all out sick to your stomachs with fear, be strong and get to registration, once you arrive there will be lots of people to lift your spirit and calm your nerves.

Look for me and I promise, we’re ALL going to have a great time!
See you tonight!!


Got the Shoes

So, I’m ready.
I’ve found a pair of “too cool” shoes.
I have my costume made …and it turned out ok, I think.
My bags are mostly packed with just a few toiletries to add in the morning.
I have a #GirlsRoadTrip set up with some awesome tweeps thanks to #BlissDomCanada sponsor #GMCanada and their loan of a new Equinox.
I have a healthy breakfast waiting for me thanks to #Kellogg’s another #BlissDomCanada sponsor who, along with #MabelsLabels, sent each participant an awesome box of swag last week.
I’ve left my fridge full for my family and the laundry is clean (although I did not manage to get it folded and put away). #BasketDiggingWillBeRequired.

So I’m ready…. Right?!?!

So why do I feel like I’m going to burst into tears?!?
Why do I want to crawl under my covers and forget to come out in the morning?
Why am I so scared?

There are tons of people, who I talked to daily going to this conference.
These are people who I really enjoy. They are nice, kind, helpful, smart, funny, successful, wonderful people…. so why, when I have the chance of a lifetime to go and spend three full days with them, do I want to run the other way?

I’ve struggled my whole life with confidence issues.
I know why I have these issues. I know the people that perpetuated these feelings in me are idiots but yet the damage they caused is there. I fight it everyday. I was told I wasn’t good enough. I was told I was fat. I was told I would never be successful because I made/make bad decisions. I was made to feel on a regular basis that I wasn’t good enough and I was letting people down.

Years later, I am a grown up. I recognize the destructive nature of parts of my childhood yet it still effects me everyday. It’s like music in the back of my head that I can’t turn off no matter how hard I try. Unfortunately, people don’t realize this about me. They think I’m confident and secure but that’s a skill I’ve learned to fake. If I didn’t pretend to be that, I’d be told I was being ridiculous and to grow up and not be a baby. I was an embarrassment.

And that’s it I think. Going to #BlissDomCanada. Meeting all these successful people, these fabulous people and having all of them realized I shouldn’t be there. I’m nothing special.

Ultimately, not being good enough and letting everybody down.

OK. Now that all that’s been said…

I am going to try to get some sleep. I’m going to take three deep cleansing breaths. Imagine myself enjoying every moment of this exciting adventure.

I am ready. I will do this. I am good enough

What holds you back? Have others created fears in you that are unfounded? Tell me about it!

What people think

People think I am talented. I feel mediocre.
People think I have all the answers. I do not.
People think I don’t make mistakes. I do.
People think I am strong. I am not.
People think I am fearless. I am terrified.
People think I have direction. I am lost.
People think I am an amazing wife. I am just a wife.
People think I am a “Uber” mom. I am just a mom.

This past week I had the amazing opportunity to join a fabulous group of individuals at the #140 Conference Ontario in Kitchener. A group that although I speak with a fair number of them on twitter on a regular basis, I really don’t “know”.

People think I am confident. I am not.

For me, walking into this conference was petrifying. Although I knew I had one IRL friend in the room (@jackiyo) and many others I “know” on twitter, I felt like I should be turning around and heading back to my car. Then, when Jeff Pulver (@jeffpulver) opened the day by saying something about being in the room with 200+ of his best friends, I really felt like I was intruding on a private party. As much as I wanted to be a part of that amazing group of people, I felt like a fraud. A fraud who was desperate to sneak out a side door except there wasn’t one.

Then the stories started and I was transfixed. It was like a book you can’t put down or a movie you never want to end. It was life-changing. I could tell you how every speaker taught me something, because they did, but for me two speakers stood out.

The first was Brianne Jourdin (@touchbykenadie), a mom of a child with special needs. Yes, that fact alone connects us but it was two completely unrelated statements in her 10 min speech that flashed like a beacon to me. “I went to a tweet up and I got to the door and was so afraid, I turned around and left. I regret that now.” …..That was me!
Back in May, I went with @JackiYo to WomenInBiz Conference in Toronto and at the tweet up the night before; I arrived, I walked through the room and I left. I went back to my room, threw up (gross but true) and tried to DM my husband on twitter. He wasn’t around. Then after a thirty minute argument with myself, I went back to the party and ended up meeting a great group of girls (all named Jen, oddly enough) and had a great night. Yet here again, at this #140ConfOnt, I was feeling the same thing.

You see, I find the task of walking up to people and introducing myself nearly immobilizing. I NEED others to make the first move, to approach me, to start the conversation otherwise, I find myself sitting alone, feeling lost and wondering why I’m even there. I know that once I have that opening, I’m usually fine. I can fake the confidence after that but taking that first step is almost debilitating.

That brings me to my second ah ha moment of the conference. Lara Galloway (@mombizcoach) talked about the “Me Too!” phenomenon of the Social media world. When you feel like you’re all alone, or you’ve done something that you think people are going to judge you for, SM shows you that others have been there or are there with you right now.
…..”I just fed my kids peanut butter sandwiches for the third meal in a row. :/ ” ……”Me Too!”
…..”I just realized I didn’t shower or get dressed today. :S ” …….”Me Too!”.
…..”I don’t think I can walk into this room full of strangers.” …..”ME TOO!”

It was an outstanding day full of outstanding stories and everyone who left took with them the feeling that they had been a part of something sacred. There were numerous tales of heartbreak, loss, and pain mixed in with successes, lessons and encouragement. It was like a giant group hug and by the end, I did make the effort to introduce myself to four individuals… @tjzmommy, @touchedbykenadie, @optimom and @TheKarltopia.
I know what you’re thinking, but Jen…four?!?! There were well over 200 people there! Ya, but after four my stomach couldn’t handle any more. Four was an accomplishment.

People think I have it all together. I do not.

This conference showed me that I don’t need to feel alone.
That I don’t need to be all that people think I am.
That it’s ok for me to be me.

People think I am happy…. I think maybe I can be…
But please, if you see me at #BlissdomCanada, say hello. Help me break away from this fear and maybe, by the next #140Conference, I won’t be looking for the closest exit.

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