Got the Shoes

So, I’m ready.
I’ve found a pair of “too cool” shoes.
I have my costume made …and it turned out ok, I think.
My bags are mostly packed with just a few toiletries to add in the morning.
I have a #GirlsRoadTrip set up with some awesome tweeps thanks to #BlissDomCanada sponsor #GMCanada and their loan of a new Equinox.
I have a healthy breakfast waiting for me thanks to #Kellogg’s another #BlissDomCanada sponsor who, along with #MabelsLabels, sent each participant an awesome box of swag last week.
I’ve left my fridge full for my family and the laundry is clean (although I did not manage to get it folded and put away). #BasketDiggingWillBeRequired.

So I’m ready…. Right?!?!

So why do I feel like I’m going to burst into tears?!?
Why do I want to crawl under my covers and forget to come out in the morning?
Why am I so scared?

There are tons of people, who I talked to daily going to this conference.
These are people who I really enjoy. They are nice, kind, helpful, smart, funny, successful, wonderful people…. so why, when I have the chance of a lifetime to go and spend three full days with them, do I want to run the other way?

I’ve struggled my whole life with confidence issues.
I know why I have these issues. I know the people that perpetuated these feelings in me are idiots but yet the damage they caused is there. I fight it everyday. I was told I wasn’t good enough. I was told I was fat. I was told I would never be successful because I made/make bad decisions. I was made to feel on a regular basis that I wasn’t good enough and I was letting people down.

Years later, I am a grown up. I recognize the destructive nature of parts of my childhood yet it still effects me everyday. It’s like music in the back of my head that I can’t turn off no matter how hard I try. Unfortunately, people don’t realize this about me. They think I’m confident and secure but that’s a skill I’ve learned to fake. If I didn’t pretend to be that, I’d be told I was being ridiculous and to grow up and not be a baby. I was an embarrassment.

And that’s it I think. Going to #BlissDomCanada. Meeting all these successful people, these fabulous people and having all of them realized I shouldn’t be there. I’m nothing special.

Ultimately, not being good enough and letting everybody down.

OK. Now that all that’s been said…

I am going to try to get some sleep. I’m going to take three deep cleansing breaths. Imagine myself enjoying every moment of this exciting adventure.

I am ready. I will do this. I am good enough

What holds you back? Have others created fears in you that are unfounded? Tell me about it!

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About Jen Black

Jennifer is a stay at home mom of three raising her family with her "agvocating" husband on a farm in Huron County, Ontario. She is a designer, photographer, Social Media junkie and blogger. Her former life included advertising, marketing, and life in the big city. You can follow her on twitter @jennileeblack

Posted on October 13, 2011, in Just my thoughts and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. So….where’s the pic of shoes?!

    Have fun darling!

  2. Awww, Jen…so brutally honest and I so admire and appreciate that you so openly share such a vulnerable side of yourself. That’s strength…did you know that? Blissdom sounds like such an exciting adventure and you do have every right to be there. I hope that as you continue to share and spread your wings that you will meet more and more people and see that we all have things people don’t realize about ourselves and that we’ve learned to cope/cover/fake/compensate for them. You are someone special…to your children, to your husband and to your family and friends that know you. And by sharing your fears with us we see the true human beauty within you…honesty, putting it right out there, vulnerability…and you know there’s many of us out there saying, “Me, too.” That’s strength you give to others, that connection. I know you’re scared, but chin up, Jen, and let the bliss begin! Enjoy the experience, I look forward to reading your tweets. Oh, and I want a pic of those shoes! πŸ˜‰

    Tracy

    • Thanks so much Tracy. I am feeling much better this morning. I took some time and reread comments from my earlier post and I’m trying to see the good. It’s comforting yet really very sad that so many people can relate to my feelings. I hope everyone has the opportunity to change their self worth like I think #BlissdomCanada is/will do for me.
      I will post a picture of the shoes after the big reveal tonight!

  3. Confidence and Security are skilsl a lot of people, especially women, have learned to fake. Everyone struggles with this to a degree. Try to remember that most people in the room will be feeling exactly the same way you are no matter what their outer image appears to be. You are allowed to feel this way. But you are going. A lot of people aren’t, because as much as they want to, they are afraid ad that is enough to stop them. That’s what sets you apart – you are willing to face your fears because deep down you know it will be worth it (and of course, great blogging material).
    Rock those shoes, and hold your head high. xoxo.

    • It would be a lot better if you were going but I know I’m going to be fine. I just have to get in the door!
      Thanks for the love and support! So much appreciated.

  4. You are an amazing person Jen, I know how you feel though.

  5. Courage (also bravery, boldness, fearlessness, mettle, fortitude, or intrepidity) is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. “Physical courage” is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while “moral courage” is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.

    Jennifer Black = Courage/Bravery

    Mark.

  6. Take a good, firm grip of your mirror. Turn off the negative thoughts. Tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself you’re beautiful. Tell yourself you’re a success woman who manages a home and family. Tell yourself you’re engaging, warm, and interesting (fill in the blanks because I don’t know you that well.) It’s a conversation with yourself that’s truly worth having.

    • Thanks Heather. It’s always hard to dispel the negative comments you hear about yourself. That being said, I did pull my shoulders back and walk into this conference with a more positive attitude. Still very much afraid but didn’t let it stop me. I ended up having a fabulous time and met a ton of fabulous women.

  1. Pingback: I should be getting ready for Blissdom! «

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